From unhealthy to healthy boundaries in a relationship

Boundaries

Where are your Boundaries?

I would think to myself, why does everyone think I am here for their personal need fulfillment? I always feeling used. Why do people take advantage? Why am I always misunderstood? Why am I easily persuadable?

Well let me tell you, It’s because I had no personal boundaries. I was so codependent that I would sacrifice my own happiness for a taste of the good life because I didn’t believe I could have it for myself. My thoughts were, “I’d like to take the easy route please”. This is what Id tell myself. It got me nowhere and quickly. I wasn’t having healthy boundaries in a relationship I valued. So I began to do some homework and started digging deep. I found out about boundaries and realized that I never really practiced having them. One big thing I got from this we show other people where our boundaries are by showing them how we treat ourselves. Boy was this is hard one for me to swallow. So if your relationships with others are unmanageable, you can ask yourself these questions to see if you need to tweak your boundaries.

  • What matters most to me? Where is my self value?
  • Make a list of your priorities from most valuable to the least. Note: as they actually are today. Do any of these fit your expectations?
  • How much personal time do you take for yourself during the week?
  • Often feel taken advantage of or feel pressured by others into to doing something your uncomfortable with or agreeing to something you didn’t wan to agree to?
  • are you afraid that if you say no it may affect a relationship?

Its up to you to create your own boundaries, this is why…

Since going from unhealthy to healthy boundaries in a relationship is a healthy but delicate practice. I believe that the most important part of a relationship IS to have and show boundaries in the initial stage of a relationship. So that way others know how to treat you and they’ll respect them. So think about were in your life you need to draw a boundary line. Maybe in a relationship with family member, or with your spouse or coworkers, or co-volunteer workers even. Even though we are mostly comfortable with these people, there is always a line that is crossed and someone is made to feel uncomfortable at some point. Identifying your red flags is important but take into consideration if they want to change too. Now you can both take a look & ponder a different healthier approach.

A few things to think about when changing from unhealthy to healthy boundaries in a relationship.

1) Tune into your feelings about a situation. Are your feelings valid? Are you being selfish or is the other party?

2) Start Small. People do not like change and will resist your requests for boundaries. Some will even cut you off, but that’s okay. The only people in your life that are meant to be there will stay & God will weed out those who cannot accept your change.

3) Be assertive. I would always come off as aggressive or passive aggressive, or condescending and sarcastic. I didn’t care how I spoke so long as I was heard. But Through a masterclass I took I learned that my communication approach was way off. Do you find yourself passive agressive? Angry at times? Again, take a different approach and flip the lens and practice assertiveness. It is a respectable communication style.

4) Recognize where your boundaries have been crossed and think of how you can establish them gently.

5) Believe you are respectable and deserve to be respected. Self love is key to creating personal boundaries. Start making yourself accountable 100% for your plans of the day, goals for the future and keep your blinders on. When you have direction and a good support system it is easy to get what you need done but there is always a distraction. Create a goal list for your day and follow it. Think of how you can communicate your boundaries when there is an unnecessary distraction. Allow time for yourself to do something that you truly enjoy.

6) Seek support and feedback from someone you can trust. We all have somebody we can talk to. if youre having difficulty reach out and ask someone for advice. Maybe their point of view can help shift yours :0).

7) Saving the best for last It’s OKAY to say NO. We sometimes feel as if we don’t do enough yet we do far more than our share. We sometimes have low self-esteem and want to please everybody, maybe were being codependent and we want something from someone and we say yes just to get what we want. These are behaviors of codependency that can be further looked into but whatever the reason, it’s okay to say no. you deserve to have your life go the way you choose and if it means having to sacrifice one thing for the personal time you need to fill each day, then say no. I’ll give a few good ways to say no in an assertive approach.

Saying No Assertively You can say: I’m not comfortable with that. I can’t fit it into my schedule at this time. That won’t work out for me. This just isn’t acceptable…. “I have decided to…..” “I will let you know after I take time to think it out. “I can but under these circumstances only (creating boundaries)”… These are some ways to say no nicely. If a person doesn’t hear you, repeat yourself calmly untill they get it. Saying No is Perfectly okay.

My thoughts on areas you may be able to create personal boundaries.

Being Punctual is where I aim to set a personal boundary. When you are early for a meeting, it will be noticed and respected.

Acting appropriate at all times & showing confidence & respect in yourself will in return gain respect from others.

Be fair but firm in your decisions. When we are yes today and no tomorrow we look and show we are unstable in our thoughts and we don’t know where our boundaries lay.

Respect your body. Today we have many people around us and they can be a temptation or prey to do the wrong thing with. When we put our armor of God on and see the situation for what it is (being bad thoughts, things you know aren’t according to God). Stand firm in what you know is right and withhold acting on a temporary desire because that is just a temporary fill for the void that needs healing.

Practice positive self affirmations beginning with I am. I am happy. I am relateable, I am a child of God, I am Creative! I respect mine and others boundaries! I have healthy boundaries! Break it down, in my opinion here. The great I AM is Jesus Christ. In the bible, in Exodous 3:14 God revealed his name to Moses: “I AM WHO I AM. this is what you are to say to the Isrealites; “I AM has sent me to you”. So when Moses asked his name, God said “I AM”… So create our world based thoughts, and actions in an “I AM” fashion as God would have set out for your specific life. If your life is full of negativity then practice Positive thinking. Starting with affirmations.

Respect other peoples boundaries is showing others you want yours respected.

 

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